PaDdLe BuG

At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.

Be nice or I'll have to talk about you when I'm on Oprah!

The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic is terrible. -- Jeff Taylor (founder of Monster.com)

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
-A billion seconds ago it was 1960.
-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
-A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

Boldly going nowhere!

By the time I could talk ... I was ordered to listen. - Cat Stevens (song writer,performer )

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

A cluttered desk is a sign of genius. A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.

Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

Careful or I'll be complaining about you on Oprah.

Children is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov (1929-2004 British born and raised, Oscar winning actor 1960 +1964, writer, director, dramatist and raconteur.)

Danger: Men thinking

Dear Dorothy,
Hate Oz!! Took the shoes!
Find your own way home!!!!
-- Toto - Wizard Of Oz reference

Desperately Searching For An/My Next Enabler

DNA is life ... the rest is just matter.

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.

Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.

Don't let your mind wander ... it's too small to be out on it's own.

Don't like my attitude

Don't make me call out the flying monkeys! - Wizard Of Oz reference

Don't make me go all NINJA on you!

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz (1922-2000 Cartoonist of "Peanuts" for 50 years)

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film or their card is full.

Fred Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards and in high heels.

Future benefits result from hard work
Laziness has immediate results today.

Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.

God Blesses this house but he doesn't clean it.

Good morning, let the stress begin.

Good Morning! This is God. I will be handing all your problems today. I don't want you to worry; so have a good day!!

Having a bad hair day???

He isn't on his way anywhere, hasn't been for years. - (movie:"Father Goose")

Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee!

I am soooo not listening.

I child proofed my home, but somehow they keep getting in!

I did the math and I'm still confused.

I didn't order this/that!

I don't do mornings

I don't need your insults... I get them at home.

I don't remember anyone saying, Gee, that sounds like a great idea, but let's run it passed a 15 year old first.

I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace,
that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress. - John Adams (from the musical "1776")

I haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away.

I need a life couch ... life is just not working for me.

I take life with a grain of salt...
A wedge of lime and a shot of Tequila.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are; eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. --- Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world. -- Peter Ustinov (1929-2004 Oscar winning actor in 1960 +1964, writer, director, dramatist and raconteur.)

I wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits?

I'd love to help you out!
Which way did you come in?!

I'll give you something to talk about.

I'll try to be nicer ... if you try to be smarter.

I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll world.

I'm not always right ... but I'm NEVER wrong

I'm not anti-social ... I'm just not user friendly.

I'm not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing.

I'm not driving badly ... I'm just multi tasking.

I'm not in denial!

I'm Right! He's Wrong! End of Story!!!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
 -- Mitch Hedberg

I'm so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years.

I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?

I've got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals. -- Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

I've got more issues than a magazine.

If common sense is so common, why is there so little of it? - Mark Twain (1835-1910 pseudonym of Samuel Taylor Clemens, speaker, reporter, writer, "Tom Sawyer"- life satirist, American Humorist)

If I can't fix it ... it must NOT be broken!

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
- Peter Ustinov (1929-2004 Oscar winning actor in 1960 +1964, writer, director, dramatist and raconteur.)

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

If I had only listened to what my mother tried to tell me all those years ago!!
Why, What did she tell you?
I don't know!! I didn't listen!!! - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. -- Yogi Berra (b.1925 Baseball Hall of Fame player NY Yankees and coach Yankees, Mets, Astros)

Insufficient memory at this time.

It is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't)

It took way more than a village to raise this kid!

It's not nagging when I'm ALWAYS RIGHT.

The JOYS of parenthood? (or is that an oxi-moron)

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Just a few clowns short of a circus.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

Let's hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here.

Life is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid.

Life's not fair ... get used to it.

A legend in his own mind.

Many people have a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.

Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My doctor says I'm in the first stages of Fossilization.

National Sarcastic Society like we really need your support!

Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!

Never miss a good chance to SHUT UP!

Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.

Not Perfect .. but so close it scares me.

Obey Graviy – It's the LAW!

• One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers (1918-2002 American Advice Columnist for 45 years)

• Optimist: The glass is HALF full!
  Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty!
  Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be!

• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. - David H. Comins

• Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

• Please Go Fascinate Someone Else!

• PMS means purchase more shoes.

• The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. - Ann Landers (1918-2002 American Advice Columnist for 45 years)

• Professional Critic

• Sanity is on back order... Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

• Sarcasm: just one more service I render.

• A simple way to measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out.
  - Tony Blair (b. 1953 frm. Prime Minister of England)

• Slightly used, but in good condition

• Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire PR officers. - Daniel J. Boorstin

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

• Some day my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.

• Some days are a total waste of makeup.

• Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant.

• Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full.
  I just want to know who is drinking my drink?! (beer)

• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

• SS-DD > same stuff [usually an (sh..) expletive] different day
  SD- DS > same day - different stuff

• A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. - Burt Bacharach (b.1928 -- 3 Academy and 7 Grammy Awards, 70 Top 40 hits in the U.S., 52 Top 40 hits in the UK composer of over, 500 songs, singer, pianist)

• This job is a test. It is only a test. Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises, and promotions.

• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

• Too much time on my hands.

• The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

• Was your head with you all day today? - Bill Cosby

• We're off like a herd of turtle.

• Well, aren't we just a stinkin' ray of sunshine!

• Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• What a day/month/year I am having!

• What part of Y'all Don't you Understand??

• What Washington needs is adult supervision. - Barack Obama

• What we need is a patch for human stupidity.

• What WERE you thinking???

• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

• When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school
  It's a wonder I can think at all. -- Paul Simon - Kodachrome

• When I want your opinion ,,, I will give it to you.

• When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra (b.1925 Baseball Hall of Fame player NY Yankees and coach Yankees, Mets, Astros -- known for his non-sense sayings)

• Why be only difficult, with a little effort you can be impossible.

• Working hard, or hardly working? (man lying on the couch or hammock)

• Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. -- Winston Churchill (prime minister of England)

• You can agree with me or you can be wrong!

• You don't have to say that I am right, it is enough to say that I have spoken. - Alain Abbate

• You must understand ... there are some things that you will NEVER understand.

• You've got to be kidding!

• Calories Don't Count When Your On Vacation

  DIET TIPS
  1) If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
  2) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar - they cancel each other out.
  3) When eating with someone else, cut your calories in half.
  4) Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as: chocolate, brandy, and Sara Lee Cheese Cake.
  5) If you fatten up everyone around you then you look thinner.
  6) Movie related foods don't count because they simply part of the movie experience - the entertainment factor.
  7) Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking up whole cookies into pieces causes the calories to leak out.
  8) Late Night snacking has no calories because it's too dark to read the calorie counts off the package. It's way too dark to write them in you counter book anyway.
  (a version was printed in Ann Landers column)

  Do you eat to live or live to eat??
  Are you kidding? I live to eat!!!!

  Stress Diet
  Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8oz. Skim milk
  Lunch: 4oz. Lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed zucchini, 1 Oreo cookie, herb tea
  Mid afternoon: snack 1 medium apple, 10 more Oreos, 4 oz. Skim milk
  Dinner: 1 loaf of garlic bread, 1 SMALL cheese, pepperoni, onion, broccoli pizza (whole wheat crust), 1 Garden Salad (not iceberg lettuce-very little fiber) with grated cheese, 1/2 bottle of low fat ranch dressing, 3 LIGHT Beers
  Dessert: An Entire Frozen Cheesecake (can't wait for it to thaw-eat it right out of the box)
  Midnight snack: The rest of the package of Oreo Cookies, Large bowl of Rocky Road Ice Cream
  1/2 hour later another large bowl of ice cream (OH WELL! YOU LASTED LONGER THAN THE LAST DIET)

  If opposites attract, you'll soon meet someone good-looking smart and funny!!!

• I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931, American Inventor, Entrepreneur, Founder of GE)

• Chocolate doesn't make the world go round, but it certainly makes the trip worthwhile.

• Chocolate comes with it's price-complete loss of control.

• Chocolate is an essential nutrient

• Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits. - Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist

• Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.

• Chocolate is that unspoken base of the food pyramid.

• Chocolate-it isn't just for breakfast anymore.

• DO NOT DISTURB: chocolate fantasy in progress.

• EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.

• Forget love- I'd rather fall in chocolate.

• Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

• God gives us no stress we can't handle without chocolate.

• God is great, gives us chocolate cake. - adapted from a Bill Cosby routine

• Hand over the Chocolate and no one will get hurt (use letters from magazines, to make it look like a ransom note.)

• Q. How many calories are there in a piece of chocolate?
  A. WHO CARES!

• I never met a chocolate I didn't like. - Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation

• I only eat chocolate for you, so you won't get fat.

• I want it all and I want it smothered in chocolate and whipped cream with a cherry on top.

• I would give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

• I'll eat anything as long as it's covered in cheese or chocolate.

• I'm not overweight, I'm CHOCOLATE enriched.

• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is that a balanced diet?

• If aliens from other planets knew we had chocolate our world economy would be set for generations to come.

• If God meant us to be thin, he wouldn't have created chocolate.

• If there is no chocolate in heaven I'm not going.

• In heaven, chocolate has no calories and is served as the main course.

• It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. - Miranda Ingram

• Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso. (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) - Spanish proverb

• Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. - Forest Gump

• Life without chocolate is no life at all.

• Make mine Chocolate!!!

• Milk chocolate is a dairy food.

• Money Talks but Chocolate Sings

• Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.. - John Q. Tullius

• Other things are just food. But chocolate -- is chocolate. - Patrick Skene Catling

• One of life's great mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

• No body knows the truffles I've seen. - MASH - Charles Emerson Winchester III

• Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place. - Hershey's Chocolate slogan

• SAVE THE EARTH - it's the only planet with chocolate.

• Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.

• So much chocolate so little time!

• Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

• The superiority of chocolate, both for health and nourishment, will soon give it the same preference over tea and coffee in America which it has in Spain. - Thomas Jefferson

• Then God said `Let there be chocolate'- and it was Gooooooood!

• There are really only two food groups: chocolate and fruit - now if your fruit is covered in chocolate than you're set for the day.

• There is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.

• Those low carb bars taste great dipped in chocolate.

• What really came first, the woman or the chocolate bar.

• What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. - Katharine Hepburn

• When no one understands you, there is always chocolate.

• Women have known for years that the best over the counter stimulant is chocolate.

• The 12 step Chocoholic's Program: NEVER be more than 12-steps away from chocolate.

Jokes:

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.